Heavy in Your Arms Chapter 4: Torment
by laurah1236
Summary: Alessandra can't help the pain she's in after Michaels death. And now with Blake there, all she has is constant reminders. Will it grow to be toomuch to bare?, or can she open up to Blake?


Dear, Michael

The past couple of months have been unbearable. I can hardly remember how it feels to breathe. You don't know how much I miss you, how much I crave your sustaining arms around my body. Theres this new guy at my school, his name is Blake and he reminds me alot of you. It hurts. It hurts to know I won't ever hear your beautiful voice again, to know I no longer have you. To call you my own is all i've ever wanted, all I never told you. You're all i've wanted for so long, and now i'll never have a chance to tell you. To tell you I love you, with all of my being with every fiber in my body, I love you. You're all I ever think about, and I want to remember you alive, but it just stabs my heart once more, so I picture your perfect face dead in my arms, how I held them the day you died and kiss your lifeless cheek goodbye. But promise me you'll never leave me. Because I will never leave you. Please help me remember how to breathe.

I love you.

I crumbled the letter up and then threw it across my room. I couldn't stand it anymore I kept falling, falling deeper in to hate, pain, hurt, loss, to nowhere. I just wanted him to hold me, to tell me it would be ok. To tell me i'll make it through, but that would never happen. Now all I had left was the memory. The most painful thing to have.

"Honey are you ok?, dinners ready", Said my worried Mother from outside my bedroom door.

"Yeah i'm fine, but I don't want any dinner tonight, thanks", I replied.

My Mom wasn't an idiot she knew how much I was going through and how hard it hurt. She used to always taunt me on how me and Michael would always end up together in the end, but I always laughed it off internally wishing she was right. But nobody knew how I felt about him but myself.

But aside from my own pain my parents were going through hell as well. Watching me crumble to the nothing I am must've been hard to watch, I see it in the way their eyes watch me, and their mouths speak everything with caution because anything could set me off. And anything could literallly set me off, but most of the time I just spent those moments reading old text messages from him that I moved into my computer to torture myself further. To remind myself how good I had it. I had it all.

The next morning was a Saturday and I stayed awake the entire night before, pacing, fidgeting, writing, remembering, crying. I hadn't slept in more than twenty-four hours. I was going on pure pain. So I decided to go for a walk around the neighberhood, it was quite a nice neighberhood. Quiet most of the time and there was this beautiful pond down the street where I used to go all the time with Michael to talk about anything, everything. He always listened. He always helped. So I grabbed my burgundy jacket that he always complimented me on and left a note on the kitchen table then made my way there.

The day was my typical perfect type of day. The clouds were gloomy as if the sun had taunted them into it. The wind blew softly on my olive skin, as my legs dragged themselves to the pond where I then accomodated myself into me and Michael's tree. It even still had the carving from a couple years ago. I sat there, tolerating my own silence when really I just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, I wanted somebody to listen, somebody to know. But instead I withheld it like I withhold everything.

Thats when I noticed somebody was walking towards me. I turned around to find Blake walking my way a huge grin on his face that I envied that I wish felt as well.

"Hey", "Hi", I replied.

"Do you mind if I sit here?", He asked.

Why today?, why now? I thought. Why me.

But as aggravated as I was I had to remember none of this was Blakes fault and he didn't deserve me treating him rudely. So I mustered up my nerve and said, "Sure".

"I know we hardly know each other, but the other day when we were talking in class, you seemed upset, kind of how you seem now, and if you want to talk about it I'm all ears.", Explained Blake.

I was speechless. He was observant. I couldn't think of anything to say, because actually explaining myself to this random stranger was never going to happen.

So instead I said, "Your songs beautiful."

"Uh, thanks? " he chuckled "But you only read a couple of the lyrics."

"No actually I heard you playing them a couple nights ago when I woke up because I couldn't sleep." I found myself saying with total casualness.

"Oh, wow I didn't realize I was that loud, I'm sorry," he said sincerely.

"No, I loved it. You have a gift I could never write like that", I answered trying my best to sound like a normal happy teenage girl.

"Thanks, that means alot." ..."Wait do you write too?" he asked.

"Yeah, nothing amazing like yours though." I replied.

"I would love to listen to them sometime," He said way too eagerly.

"uhh...yea. I don't think that's a good idea," I found myself saying hesitantly.

"Why not?," He asked

"It's just not a good idea," I persisted then quickly got up before my tears started falling. But curse my stupid tears as they were already trickling down my all too moist cheek.

"Are you crying?" He asked suprised at the turn of events he couldn't make sense of in his mind.

"No, I got to go" I replied quickly before I turned to face away from him and made a run to my house, ran up the stairs and locked myself in my room before I let my own tirade fully set in.


End file.
